How Do We Discuss Our Aging Parents’ Health Care During Our Holiday Visit?

Lehigh Valley residents love our holidays, and we love our families! Holidays are traditional times for families to get together and share their lives. Family dynamics can change and become complicated over the years, especially as we age. Prior to, or even during, a family visit, a sibling may notice changes in their aging parent’s health that they will want to share with their parent and siblings.

Because this can impact the dynamics among the family members, care must be taken when approaching the subject of caregiving and the parent’s future. Heather Glen Senior Living would like to share some tips to help you make decisions and strengthen your family’s relationships.

How should I approach my aging parent with my concerns?

Have the conversation as early as possible Addressing memory and cognition problems early offers an opportunity to identify the cause and take action before a crisis occurs.

Think about who’s best suited to initiate the conversation If there is a family member, close friend, or trusted adviser who holds sway, include them in the conversation.

Practice conversation starters Be thoughtful in your approach. For example, consider an open-ended question such as, “I’ve noticed a few changes in your ways lately, and I wanted to see if you’ve noticed these changes as well?”

Offer your support and companionship Let your family member know that you’re willing to accompany them to the doctor and offer your continuous support throughout the aging process.

Anticipate gaps in self-awareness Someone experiencing cognitive decline may be unaware of their problems. Be prepared to navigate confusion, denial, and withdrawal, because people may not want to acknowledge that their mental functioning is declining.

How should I approach my siblings with my concerns?

Arrange a sibling meeting at a convenient time It can be helpful to call a meeting between you and your siblings so that everyone can get on the same page. You may have different ideas about how to proceed and may be aware of different needs. While everyone is together would be a good time to share in a discreet, private manner if necessary and plan a more formal meeting.

List what needs to be done After coming up with the list, prioritize the items to get a sense of what needs to be done now and what can wait. Start with the tasks related to your parent’s current needs. Review what’s currently working well, what’s not working so well, and what tasks need to be assigned, e.g.,

• Who will accompany your parents to the doctor?
• Who will help your parents with meals?
• Who will help your parents run errands?
• Who will help your parents manage finances?
• Who will help mow the lawn or clean the house?
• Who will give your parents emotional support?

Assign tasks and responsibilities Divide them up among each of you. Consider where each of you is living in proximity to your parents as you divide up the tasks. If you live in the same city as your parent, you might do more hands-on tasks, like taking your parent to the doctor, going to the grocery store, or coordinating meals.

If you’re the one living close to your parents, you might find that many of the care tasks fall on you, and your parents may start to rely on you even more when they begin to need more help. Meanwhile, it seems like your siblings who live further away get to pick and choose how much they want to be involved. This is a recipe for burning you out and straining your relationships with your siblings. So, when you notice this happening, reach out to your siblings and ask to revisit the conversation on dividing up tasks.

If you live far away, consider helping with financial planning or calling around for resources. Have regular phone conversations and check in with them about how they’re doing. It’s important to offer consistent help and support to your parents so that not all of the burden falls on the person who lives closest to your parents.

If anyone is feeling overburdened, talk about it with your siblings and make adjustments.

Be aware of one another’s strengths and limitations If you have a sibling who’s good at managing money, but not so good at TLC, consider them for financial management tasks. If you have a sibling who enjoys grocery shopping and making meals, consider them for this task. If you hate going to the doctor, choose a different task.

Respect each other’s boundaries It’s OK and even healthy to have boundaries when it comes to caring for your aging parents. This goes for you and your siblings! When your sibling tells you they have a boundary around a caregiving task, it’s important that you respect their boundaries as well.

You may find that your parents need more care than you or your siblings can give. If this is the case, contact Heather Glen Senior Living to discuss our premier personal and memory care services. 

Communicate respectfully and be kind It’s important to communicate respectfully and be kind to one another. You and your siblings are going through an emotional time. It’s difficult to see our parents decline and lose independence. This will help you weather many of the storms that come with caring for aging parents.

Manage your expectations We have expectations and ideals that the care we (or our siblings) give to our aging parents has to be perfect. Caring for aging parents is hard, and we all have to figure it out in our own way. It’ll help your relationship with your siblings if you give them the space to provide care in their own way.

Treating yourself and your siblings with loving kindness and respect while going through the emotional process of caregiving can prevent resentment and burnout when caring for aging parents. And, it can actually strengthen the bonds among you!

If you’re interested in learning more about life at Heather Glen Senior Living in our personal or memory care community, or would like to see our community for yourself, give us a call at (610) 841-4478 or fill out our online form today.